Fear of Commitment
Most people never arrive at the goal of living their dream life. So few actually achieve their dream life goal.
Why is that? Isn’t a desire to change enough to get there?
Your fear of commitment will prevent you from living the life you want. Perhaps you have failed in the past or you don’t think you can handle failing again. Perhaps people have told you that you don’t finish what you start. Or, maybe, you have watched others commit to a goal and then fail. Or, did you listen to the naysayers last time you committed toward a goal and then fell victim to their sarcasm or criticism. Have you ever felt like you desperately wanted to commit to something, but your inner critic was giving you gentle reminders of past failures? Do you find yourself, once again, second guessing your ability to fully commit to a goal? Are there people in your life that are not supportive of your ambitious desire for a needed change?
If there is a strong desire to make a commitment and you find yourself frustrated and falling back into the past habits of being afraid to commit…there are three strategies that can help you overcome your fear:
- Perfection is the enemy with fear of commitment because as soon as it stops being perfect, it stops being fun and when it stops being fun, you may just throw in the towel. When you make a commitment to and idea, business or person, you are making a commitment to imperfection as you work your way to success. Imperfection is inevitable.
- No more comparing. When you see the person, who has accomplished the very goal that you want to achieve, remember it was a rocky road for them to. They didn’t just arrive at the pinnacle by accident. There were bumps, imperfections, failures, bruises, rejections, sarcasm, disappointment, frustration, insomnia, unmet expectations on the way there. You, too, can expect this path. You are committing to an uncomfortable ride once the high of the decision subsides.
- Once you have made your commitment based on facts, create a timeline to allow yourself to reach your goal. Get a crystal-clear vision of what you want that five-year goal to include. Write down what it looks like (where you will live, how big your home is, what color your home is, how your home is furnished, where you will travel, what a typical day will look like, who will be in your life, what you will have in your bank account, how much you will give away in the form of contributions, what city you live in, what kind of car you drive, how old you are, how old your children are, where they will work or go to college, etc.). Then, work backwards toward the 4-year mark and complete a full description of what that will look like with detailed information as previously described. Once that is complete, describe what your life will look like at 3 years, 2 years, 1 year…. This is a powerful exercise to get into your subconscious right away so that you can make reasonable expectations and stay excited on your journey.
You aren’t afraid of commitment; you are afraid of failure and/or rejection. So, to reduce the chances of giving into failures and/or rejections, approach your next goal with the 3 aforementioned steps.
Hope can change everything.
Lisa Schiro, M.S., LPC-5494
Human motivation has fascinated me since I began my academic career and it is the compelling reason I became a mental health therapist. There are some golden nuggets I have learned along the way.
Most people can talk themselves into just about anything. Most people can get excited about an idea. However, very few are able to actualize their ideas. And, even fewer are living the life of their dreams. In fact, the vast majority of people are living a life of mediocrity. My research reflects that well over 90% fail to accomplish the dreams they set out to achieve. Why?
What sets the successful apart from the rest?
Do they have a special gift to accomplish their dreams?
Are they smarter, healthier, younger, magical, etc?
Nope. Not even close. The great divide is comprised of two simple words: “MIND SET.”
Print this out and refer to it often:
1) Stop making excuses. Act now. Stop waiting for things to be perfect.
2) Be persistent – even when you don’t want to be.
3) Believe that you will make it. Visual prompts around your home will help remind your brain where you are headed (even on the worst days). Your belief is the gatekeeper that will control your motivation.
What are you waiting for?
~Lisa Schiro, M.S., LPC-5494
Anxiety Disorder Specialist
Owner of K-Counseling & Anxiety Treatment, LLC
Fear is not the same as phobia. A fear is a congruent response to a mildly dangerous situation. Yet, once the feared situation is no longer a threat, the fear symptoms usually subside. A phobia, however, is in a class by itself.
A phobia is a persistent intense and irrational fear. It can range from very annoying to paralyzing. Some synonyms that come to mind are revulsion, panic dread and/or terror. The intensity of the fear in a phobia is so strong, that one will go to great lengths to avoid it. One must have symptoms lasting at least 6 months. A phobia interferes with work, school and/or interpersonal relationships.
If you believe you have a persistent phobia that is getting in the way of you living your best life, it may be time to seek some help. Often, a phobia is treated with exposure response, hypnosis, cognitive behavioral therapy and/or EMDR. For more information, please visit K-Counseling.org.
An alarmingly high percentage of entrepreneurs fail. With all of the positive information published in personal development books and more access to information/resources than ever before in history, I thought it was prudent to create a non-exhaustive list of things that would likely contribute to failure. As it turns out, personal accountability, daily habits and persistence will likely be the difference between those who succeed and those who fail.
The list below are some specific ways to fail at your business:
- BE SCATTERED
- DON’T PURSUE EXPERTISE IN YOUR FIELD
- DON’T FOLLOW THROUGH WITH CUSTOMERS
- DON’T APOLOGIZE WHEN WRONG
- BE UNDEPENDABLE
- DON’T READ PERSONAL GROWTH BOOKS
- DON’T BE A VISIONARY
- INTERNALIZE ALL REJECTION
- NEVER RISK
- DON’T BE HUMBLE
- STAY COMFORTABLE
- ONLY WORK ON YOUR BUSINESS WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE IT
- QUIT AFTER SPECIFIC # OF “NO’S”
- BELIEVE ALL OF YOUR THOUGHTS
- BELIEVE EVERYONE’S OPINION OF YOU
- WATCH A LOT OF TELEVISION
- NEVER CHALLENGE YOUR FEARS
- TALK A LOT
- LISTEN VERY LITTLE
- HANG OUT WITH NEGATIVE PEOPLE
- HAVE POOR BOUNDARIES
- EXECUTE POOR SELF CARE
- BE JUDGMENTAL
- ALWAYS FEAR REJECTION
- REMAIN STUCK IN FEARS FROM THE PAST
- LOOK AT YOUR PHONE FREQUENTLY WHILE TALKING TO A CLIENT
- TURN ON ALL OF YOUR MOBILE NOTIFICATIONS
- KEEP A TO DO LIST WITHOUT TIME ALLOCATIONS
- BE EVERYONE’S PROBLEM SOLVER
- CONTINUE COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS
Veins popping. Eyes bulging. Heart pounding. Eyes glaring. Vision narrowing. Hands sweating. These are just some of the symptoms felt during anger. The emotional response is often associated with danger. However, it is a normal, and sometimes necessary, response to the environment. Anger helps us in many ways; it:
- releases adrenaline to numb pain
- social regulator
- communicates a message
- can help a person obtain a goal
When dealing with someone else’s anger, however, you only get to control how you respond. You cannot make a person feel anything. You cannot make a person do anything. Control over anyone else is an illusion. So, what do you do to deal with that angry spouse, customer, boss or child? Think of a balloon filled with anger. To deflate the balloon, it requires specific steps. Below are 5 sequential tips to respond to an angry customer:
- Respond with a genuine apology and a desire to resolve the issue. (“You’re right. Clearly, this has upset you. I am going to make it a priority to get to the bottom of this.”) Historically, the apology can make the difference on whether or not the issue goes to court.
- Go into cyborg mode. Remove your emotionally-charged voice pitch and be more automated. (“It is annoying to have to wait so long for a response; any person would be upset, given this situation.”)
- Be vulnerable and ask the difficult question. (“Have I done anything to personally offend you?”) It is important that you wait for the response; silence can be powerful at this point. Allow him or her to respond.
- Be empathetic. (“I imagine that this has been very difficult for you to wait so long for an answer. I think I would be upset, too.”) This can be a challenge but remember it builds rapport and trust. More importantly, it helps you connect with their pain or frustration. This one tip can make an enormous difference in future potential referrals. It demonstrates that you care and that you truly understand the person and the situation.
- Show appreciate for the feedback. (“Thank you for letting me know about your frustration. By bringing this to our attention, we are better able to meet the needs of our customers in the future.”)
~Lisa Schiro, M.S., LPC-5494
Owner/Operator of K-Counseling & Anxiety Treatment, LLC
America’s storage units are a shocking $22,000,000,000 industry. Incidentally, that shocking figure does not include the valuation of the items being stored. Minimizing does matter and many are jumping on the bandwagon. We live in a time of information & materialistic overload. And, we are constantly bombarded with retailers trying to separate us from our discretionary money. When is enough going to be enough? How many more pairs of shoes does one need? How many sweaters does one need? How many pairs of jeans does one need? How many pie tins does one need? How many casserole dishes does one need? How many more toys does a child need?
We need so much less than we have. There is a great deal of stress that is attached to materialistic possessions. For example, heirloom items that stay in the home to avoid the guilt of purging it can keep a person stuck in a cycle of conflict. Hanging on to that beautiful dress for 2 years because it cost so much 2 years ago is hardly a reason to allow it to take up space in your closet (or your conscience.) Purging, or minimizing, can free you from that emotion so that you can have less items tethering you to a cycle of guilt and frustration.
Minimizing is easier than one might think. When a person simplifies, he or she has more bandwidth to enjoy the simple pleasures in life. Less nick-knacks means less dusting. Less clothes means less choices. Less dishware means more space and less maintenance. Less toys means less clutter.
The pain of choosing what to purge becomes less significant when one can consider what to keep instead. In fact, there are many pioneers in this movement that claim there is almost an addiction to purging once it becomes a habit. One popular pioneer, Courtney Carver, is best known for her ‘Tiny Wardrobe Tour‘, where she wheels her entire wardrobe of 33 items onto her speaking platforms to demonstrate the aforementioned point. For more information on the Tiny Wardrobe Tour movement and Courtney’s story, refer to www.BeMoreWithLess.com
~Lisa Schiro, M.S., LPC-5494
Owner, K-Counseling & Anxiety Treatment, LLC
Do you feel exhausted, overwhelmed and fried?
You are not alone. People are beginning to get tired of the proverbial ‘rat race’ and are actively seeking ways to slow down. We have become slaves to schedules. We awaken and immediately look at the clock. We rush from the moment we awaken until we fall exhausted asleep each night. Shockingly, even the average physician appointments last a mere 6 minutes in America. We have become undernourished, over-medicated and slaves to our belongings. Interestingly, even Great Britain has fallen prey to this fast lifestyle, as it was recently reported that approximately 25% of Brits do not their neighbors’ names. I posit that we have not only fallen into the hands of chaos but we are becoming increasingly isolated and alienated from each other.
Storage units in America are a billion dollar industry. Americans have become slaves to their items. It should be noted that the billion dollar valuation on storage units does not take into consideration all of the items currently being stored.
People want a change; they desire to slow down. There is a grass roots movement taking shape and more and more people are looking for ways to not only simplify belongings, but to take a departure from the chaos that an over-extended life brings. Did you know there is a “Society for the Deceleration of Time?”
In the movie, “Eat, Pray, Love,” Julia Roberts experiences the joy of doing nothing. This a foreign concept to most Americans. What does all of this mean? It means Americans can slow down by choice. Ask for help. Purposely procrastinate. Step away. Say no. Do something nice for yourself each day. Turn your phone off during mealtime; you aren’t the President of the United States. Include meditation into your morning ritual. A mere 10 minutes/day can have positive health benefits. You’ll begin to find your purpose and take joy in doing nothing. It isn’t a step backward to slow down. You might be surprised how you will begin to prioritize your day and be more efficient – just don’t forget to squeeze in some you time. Your life will improve because your life will be filled with joy and will become your life again. Remember joy? You’re worth it. You matter. You can do this.
~Lisa Schiro, M.S., LPC-5494
Social Anxiety Disorder is characterized by at least a 6-month duration of extreme avoidance of social situations due to fear of being judged. This goes way beyond being ‘shy.’ As one can imagine, this can negatively impact work, recreational, educational and social domains. The fear is specific to the fear of being judged. The fear is real. Left untreated, it can create a cycle of extreme social isolation, job loss, and destroyed interpersonal relationships.
It is thought that social anxiety disorder is both a product of nurture and nature in most cases. There are some widely accepted ways to treat this disorder, however, that can not only free a person from the grips, but allow him or her to thrive in social situations. Some suggestions are:
- Reduce social media engagement that promotes social isolation. Take a chance on an exchange with a ‘real’ human. Walk outside and say hello to least one person. This may not be the most comfortable action, but it will prove to your mind that you are safe.
- Employ Cognitive Behavioral Therapy workbook to understand how to interrupt and replace dysfunctional thinking styles.
- Use a power posture position for a change. Put your hands on your hips, hold your head high and practice making eye contact each day. Take the power back; your brain is trying to fool you about the perceived fear of interacting with others.
- In many cases, EMDR or Hypnotherapy can help improve the self-dialogue.
You can overcome social anxiety. There is hope. Talk to a counselor today. You no longer have to suffer.
K-Counseling & Anxiety Treatment, LLC
Calm mind. Calm body.
When it comes to matters of resolving conflict, not resolving the conflict may be a wiser choice. Wait…what?
Well, for starters, when two people are in conflict with one another, the desire is to communicate the issue and pursue a solution. I posit that the solution may not be to resolve the conflict. In order to resolve a conflict, the usual way is that one or more parties settle to the opposing party. Why is this necessary?
Why can’t two people remain in conflict by agreeing to disagree? Why must one acquiesce to the other’s opinion? Are there better ways to put the conflict to rest and move forward in a relationship? Wouldn’t it make more sense to simply understand that not everyone is going to see issues with the same perspective? A healthy relationship is able to nourish the idea that two different people from two different experiences may not have the same perspective.
~Lisa Schiro, M.S., LPC
The emotional abuser:
- Never apologizes because he is never at fault
- Uses sarcasm as a way to hurt you – esp when you try to stand up for yourself
- Attempts to isolate & control you
- Tells you how worthless you are – but only you; everyone else likes the abuser
- Gives you the silent treatment to ‘punish’ you; he will ‘stonewall’
- Passively aggressive
- Believes you are not valuable; nor are your opinions
Emotional abuse can be tricky because the abuser is often charming to everyone except his target. So, when the victim attempts to solicit help from friends, co-workers, neighbors, etc., sometimes it is met with disbelief. Yet…left untreated, emotional abuse can lead to Fibromyalgia, PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Attacks, Chronic Pain, Migraines, Insomnia, Depression, etc.
~Lisa Schiro, M.S., LPC-5494
Calm mind. Calm body.